Why Do I Keep Pretending?

What is the purpose of lying to myself? What does it actually achieve? If I pretend that I can cope when I can’t, where does that leave me? If I pretend I’m ok with what’s happening when I’m not, how does that make me feel afterwards?

Why do I think I need to mask what’s really here? What purpose does it serve to think that I need to be agreeable all the time? 

As a girl this seems to be the story I was told - that I’ll be more accepted if I’m sweet and kind and I go along with things. If I’m “chilled” and “low maintenance” and “up for anything”. 

But what if being authentic means that sometimes I say no? Sometimes I say this is stupid? This feels bad? I don’t agree? I don’t like what you’re doing? 

WHY AM I STILL TELLING MYSELF THIS STORY IF IT’S HURTING ME??

As a child I didn’t have a choice in what messages I was given...but realising I’m now in the driver's seat of my own mind is surprisingly difficult. My poor little mind doesn’t realise that I’m all grown up now, and actually - I GET TO DECIDE WHAT I BELIEVE!!! 

It’s ok mind, I know it’s hard to fathom this, but actually you’re free - you just don’t realise it yet. 

Let’s try to be utterly REAL - boring and rude and high maintenance - and see if our world falls apart ❤️

Hayley Watsonmusings