Posts tagged musings
Who Am I?

What am I actually MADE OF? Am I my inflexible joints or my tight muscles? My sadness or my fear? My worries or my self-doubt? What part of my existence do I choose to believe is ME? My mind wants to tell me that my suffering is a REALITY, that my life is defined in the hurt and the pain and the struggle. That whatever is happening that scares me or makes me feel small is the absolute truth.

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A Letter to My Mind

Dear Mind, 

Can I be frank? (I’ll take this rare moment of your silence as a yes). I really care about you and that’s why I need to say what I’m about to say. Please know that it is out of love and a deep care for your wellbeing and our relationship that I am writing this. Brace yourself...this may hurt. You’re taking all the fun out of life. Literally.

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Hayley Watsonmusings
Ugliness is no Excuse

What is this part of me that craves ugliness? If it’s grey and cold and miserable, if people are being mean or things aren’t going my way - it’s easy to find a ‘reason’ to be cranky. If I truly recognise the beauty that surrounds me, then I have nothing to blame for my sadness and loneliness and dissatisfaction. If I open to the love that’s always available, then I have to see the choice I’m making in deciding that these other feelings are WRONG and BAD. 

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Hayley Watsonmusings
Will this bike make me happy??

I know this is an illusion. I know buying this motorcycle won’t MAKE me happy. So why is it that I feel so much more ALIVE as soon as I take flight on two wheels?? Oh mind, you are so attached to what is happening around you! Don’t you know this feeling of excitement and freedom and exhilaration is in YOU, not in the artistry of metal and rubber you are riding? If I believe this lie you’re telling me, what happens to me when I don’t have a bike?

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Hayley Watsonmusings
Returning

There is something so profoundly confronting and therapeutic about coming back to a place I had left behind. Leaving has always been an escape for me. An attempt to avoid the depth of feeling that creeps up on me when I invest “too much” of myself somewhere. I haven’t known how to cope with all of these feelings, all of this connection. After a while it becomes too much too bear. And so  I run. Because that’s what I know how to do...

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Hayley Watsonmusings
Full...of Emptiness

Why do I perceive emptiness to be a negative experience? Can’t emptiness be beautiful? In the absence of things, do I not have the space to experience myself more? Oh mind, I know busyness and activity and being with people makes you feel safe, but is 'safe' really all we’re aiming for? 

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Hayley Watsonmusings
New York or LA?

The quintessential question. They seem to bring out different parts of my personality. In LA I can be as easy breezy as the salty wind blowing in my hair while riding my sweet two-wheeler on Venice boardwalk...But in New York I can be a version of “cool” I never knew I possessed, making things happen, moving and shaking, alive with vibrant energy and curiosity and possibilities!

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Hayley Watsonmusings
Hiding in my Own Shadow

What  can I see if I really stop and look? It’s easy for me to see the parts of me that struggle, the scared parts, the weak parts. But how much harder it is for me to see my own strength! To recognise the power in me that always comes out the other side with more insight, more wisdom, more ability to thrive. 

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Hayley Watsonmusings
Stigma

Can I see all the ways my mind twists things? Sometimes. But then it bogs me down. There are times when my mind is like quick sand and I need the insight of my loving therapist to guide me back to my truth.

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Hayley Watsonmusings
Why Do I Keep Pretending?

What is the purpose of lying to myself? What does it actually achieve? If I pretend that I can cope when I can’t, where does that leave me? If I pretend I’m ok with what’s happening when I’m not, how does that make me feel afterwards? Why do I think I need to mask what’s really here? What purpose does it serve to think that I need to be agreeable all the time?

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Hayley Watsonmusings
Fear...Not Logic

The crossed wires of my survival instinct fascinate me. Isn’t anxiety meant to be focused on keeping me safe? Keeping me alive??

And yet I can be on any boat, over any body of water, and not feel afraid. I’ve been on sailboats in the middle of the ocean on stormy seas close to capsizing - and all I seem to feel is the juicy sensation of peace, wanderlust, freedom ❤️

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Hayley Watsonmusings
Jealousy

Every body else is better than me!!! I need to be more like them!!!!! 

Hang on a sec...is jealousy even real? Or is it just another lie my mind is making up to reinforce its belief that I’m not good enough...?? 

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Hayley Watsonmusings
Too Old To Be Young & Too Young to Be Old

My mind wants to tell me I should “fit in”- that I should do what others “my age” are doing...but what does that even mean!? Is there a set plan that we all must follow in order to be “good enough”? For what? For whom? Am I scared that I won’t be accepted? That I’ll miss my chance? What club am I inventing just so that I can feel LEFT OUT OF IT!?!?

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Hayley Watsonmusings
All the Way...

What could I accomplish if I had the whole-hearted commitment that a comedian makes to their joke? If I went ALL in, ALL the way? If I didn’t hesitatingly begin and then look at my audience to see if what I’m doing is “working”, that people approve? 

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Am I Lost?

How can you really tell when you’re lost? I know what it feels like to be FOUND...it’s a delicious sensation of LANDING, of RETURNING, of coming HOME.

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Hayley Watsonmusings